Not what he says but what he does that counts

Yesterday was Valentines Day. J gave me an Owl mug and was so proud of himself. (I gave him a fishing pole rack) All this done via the kids because we “don’t” exchange gifts. J and I have been together for 17 years. He know everything there is to know about me and loves me anyway. He may not always say “I love you” with words but it’s the little things, things no one else would think to do or want to.
He makes the best homemade pizza and does this weekly and I love it! He doesn’t even like pizza.
When I say I want fondue for dinner he always shreds the cheese for me.
He is always home and never travels.
He never questions me about money I have spent.
He allows me the freedoms to go out with my friends, volunteer with my women’s club or just enjoy an evening with no kids.
When I have an O2 party he always loads the van with my stuff.
When he goes to bed he always covers me and kisses me three times.
He knows why I have friend rules and mostly agrees with them.
He doesn’t have a Facebook account because he knows it would make me insane.
He lets me read in bed even when he is trying to sleep.
He loves me no matter what even when we don’t tell each other.
He understands my crazy.

We have always loved this song and fancy it our song.

WOW an amazing month!

This month has been filled with Playdates, Girls Scout cookie selling, Lost hours on Facebook and Origami Owl!! Lets first start with moms club, yes I know I have two in school but I have been a part of this group with strong friends for over six years. One of the great things is while our group gets new moms with babies all the time, we the moms with older kids still do fun things like get our nails done, book club and coffee mornings. It is so relaxing to hold a baby and then give him or her back to their mom and I am free to sip hot coffee. Plus I know our new one will happen soon

Girls scout cookies are all the rage right now. My sweet MD has worked her tail off for this silly stuffed animal prize but she is enjoing what it means to earn something on her own. Now mommy needs to find the time to help her deliver 750 boxes of cookies!!!

Bring me to Origami Owl!!! Oh MY Heck…. I have been a long time reader of the Blog Balancing Everything and it is my honor to be featured on her blog! Head on over there to enter the giveaway we are doing there. Her blog has meant the world to me. I wish we lived closer together as I would love to craft or chat with this amazing mom!

This buisness has been such a blessing for me. The team members I have gotten to know and spend time with have been amazing. And the company’s sixteen year old founder Bella is just as sweet as she can be! I got to meet her two weeks ago in TN! She is so cute (don’t mind the old lady… me)
This company is only a year old this past January and it amazes and inspires me everyday!

Are you ready to change your life?

2013 Resolutions

ok I lie… I decided to make a few 2013 Resolutions…

1. To plan more fun “dates” with the kids. And to invite friends no matter if anyone comes or not.

2. To kill people with kindness no matter what.

3. To not let my silly friend “rules” ruin a friendship. Not everyone gets my rules and honestly I need to realize they are silly and if a rule is “broken” does not mean that friend doesn’t care about me.

4. To not push people away no matter how uncomfortable I get. Remembering putting up a wall doesn’t protect me, it only makes me lonely.

5. Remember everything is not always about me. people have their own shit. Sometimes people do things for reasons having nothing to do with me.

6. Take responsiblity for what is my fault and to let go of stuff that isn’t my fault.

7.  To love… Love myself, my kids, my husband and my friends even when they (including me) mess up.

8. To help other moms especially one just starting out in their own business as much as I can.

Ok I think that’s it.  For a person who stands against making Resolutions I sure made a lot of them.

I thought with losing the baby I decided life was too short to resolve to change anything but I actually see differently now. Life is too short to hold onto things, especially when those things are only hurting myself.

I refuse to make any New Years Resolutions

I dream of a day when I am completely organized. HA! The only comfort I have is it seems every other Facebook update is about cleaning out. About every third blog entry I read is about purging and organizing and the other housewives I know all have the same complaint…. Too much stuff, not enough room.

 

Well I am not in the same boat in the room department. I think our house is plenty big (probably too big) for our needs but the “stuff” is a continual battle. I can always tell how stressed out my life is by how many piles are laying around my house. My stress levels are actually not too high these days but I seems I am falling victim to my old ways of I can not get rid of something if I see its value.

Clink, Clink

Happy 2013 from the Crazy Family!

We made it…

Well everyone had a good day. I even smiled despite myself.

The kids asked for more pricey gifts this year so there were fewer then we’ve had in the past but they loved what they got. I wish we would scale back every year not just when the price tag goes up on items.

But that’s part of why I hate Christmas…. everyone including my kids have their hand out. But again we had a nice day. The family all gathered and we shared nice conversation, good food and the day went smooth.

I did happen though after 13 days pass a rather large (the size of my palm) blood clot that had about what looked to be a stem about two inches long. I can only guess it was part of the umbilical cord possibly? I didn’t think there was anything left and certainly nothing like that. It was very dense and the stem seemed very thick. I am very mixed about it. Why today? I have seemed to almost stopped bleeding after that passed and I also got some blood work results yesterday. They tested my HCG levels on  December 10th and my HCG level was at 40,000 (this hormone is what they measure to detect pregnancy). I was tested again for the same HCG level on Friday December 21 (9 days post mc) and my HCG level has dropped to 120. This is good news as I need to be at a zero in order for my body to “reset” and get to get back on a normal cycle again. This needs to happen to start trying again.

Its strange, I feel it a bit stress relieving to talk and write about this and talk about the baby to others. Not to have anyone feel sorry for me but to just to talk about it. While at least two other women I know that have reached out to me in my time of need, telling me about their experiences both occurring this year neither one talked to very many people about their loss that I know of. Both shared with me (thankfully) to comfort me in my process. I think it is interesting how different people grieve differently. I still am having “good” days and “bad ” ones. I can only hope this gets easier in time.

cookies, gingerbread houses, glass balls oh my!

I am not a fan of the holidays, any holiday but mostly I hate Christmas. And with recent events I can not say I am any more fond of the season. The only highlight is an annual tradition that was started about nine years ago by one of my very best BFFs. She loved baking and I love crafting and we along with our merry band of moms we all got together with our kids and made a day of it. Every Christmas Eve while our husbands still were working we spent the day together, crafting, baking, decorating and being each other’s family. Since moving away I have tried to recapture this and I have held it every year but it’s not the same.

I do find joy in it but it really isn’t the same. This year I kept a smile on my face and everything went as planned but under it all I am still greiving. The kids did have fun and that’s what counts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We go to my in-laws this evening and I am not looking forward to this, as I know at some point there were gifts for my baby. There was joy for this new life that was entering our lives, hearts and family. And now there is nothing but the “I’m sorrys”.

I find myself compelled to answer each “I’m sorry” with “it happens” instead of what I am screaming inside… “WHY our baby???”….

I keep repeating in my mind that we will be fine, we will get past this, we will have another baby, we have two beautiful children…. like a silent mantra. I know this is true. I also know I am thankful this happened now and not six months from now or a year from now before there was any suffering from this baby who clearly had a serious health problem. But I am still so sad, so disappointed so empty.

I must put on my mask for children, tomorrow is Christmas. They deserve to have a happy mother. I truly want to feel better, I’m just not sure how to find my way.