Today is the day

So today I go in to hospital at 8:30 am and lets get this party started. I am so scared. I scared of the pain. I’m scared of the recovery. I. scared to fail….

 

I am so excited to change my life. I’m so excited to change my path. I’m so excited to change my fate. I am so excited to be the woman I am suppose to be. The mother I’m suppose to be.

Here we go.

Skinny Girl in hidding

I have been absent for so long here… So many reasons… The biggest changes in the crazy house in April 2016 my beloved Nana died. I struggle everyday with this lose. I will wright about this soon. The other main change in the crazy house is on September 9th 2016 I underwent Weight Lose Surgery. I had a procedure called the gastric sleeve.

My weight has been a constant struggle for the past 20 years. My highest weight has been 280. At 5’3″ I would say I have been am pretty unsuccessful for the last ten years.

What major thing happened to push me to make this change? In April after my Nana died one of my best friends said lets get away and we took a girls trip to Las Vegas. I had tons of fun BUT I was the biggest girl there. My ankles hurt, my knees hurt. my heart hurt. I was not living my life to the fullest. When I past a mirror or saw a picture of myself I would cringe and ask myself “who is that girl”.

The truth is that girl was a sad, lonely, unhappy person. The time had come to make a change and not a crash diet or short term fix but a life change.

I came home on May 15th and its like a light came on in my head. I need my insides to fit my outsides. So with that I decided no more fast food, no more chips no more crap. Over the last four months I have lost 40 pounds. So many people have noticed and it feels great. I also started working out at crossfit and I feel so strong.

I decided in July I wanted to have the gastric sleeve procedure. The sad part is bue to my BMI I do not meet the requirements to have it covered. It was a lot of discussion, a lot of heartache, tons of tears but we decided to be self pay and make this procedure a reality.

The weeks leading up to the surgery have been so scary.

I’m scared for so many reasons. I’m scared to fail. I’m scared of loose skin. I’m scared the message I’m sending my kids but none of these fears out weigh the benefits.

I want this WLS for my kids too. I do not want to be the fat mom. Or have them ashamed I am their mother. I want my outside to match my inside. I want to look how I think I look and I want to feel good. I want to run and play and keep up with my kids. I do not want to die because I am too fat.

Why is food so mental for me? I hate it! tomorrow my life will change forever.

what is wrong with me?

If I had a penny for every time I asked myself that very question….. I had a perfectly great day. We went to the Museum with a group of friends this morning. Had a great time. The kids ran like crazy but the moms weren’t stressed and we all talked and chatted and just laughed away for two hours. There were even kids my kids age and the fact I am “old” was only brought up once. Then we went to visit my grandmother and my dad was there so that was a nice visit. Then we  came home had a heathy lunch, I got some work calls done and did some work on my moms club event calendar. Very productive afternoon but as the time creeped by my head started banging and by 5pm when J gets home I was ready to toss the towel in and order out and offer him beer to go pick it up which he smiled and happily agreed to do.

Now if I had just listen to my body and got up from the computer at 4pm and cooked dinner, actually all I had to do was heat it up as I already have chicken grilled to eat I would be eating a heathy dinner right now. But instead I am feeling awful and not meeting my goals and no closer to making a baby happen for our family in the process. This baby is supposed to be very important to me. I want this baby, I have one minor and one major obstacle in my way. The major one is unless I lose some weight and bring my sugar levels down this baby just isn’t going to happen. What is wrong with me that even with this in mind I can not make good choices? Do I just magically think all will work itself out? I better than anyone know that is not true. I must make what I want to happen, happen and I must make it happen before it’s too late.

I really need to get it together.

 

 

one day down

ok I am feeling a little better today. I followed my meal plan, went to the gym and ready to go to sleep now.

I decided to try to remember one good thing about myself each time I post. Today I am proud of the fact when i say I will do something I always follow through.

Not feeling like myself these days….

I have been in a particularly dark place recently. No matter how I try or what I do, I seem to be located smack dab and to quote a fellow blogger “at the intersection of fat avenue, self Loathing Street, patriarchy lane and i’mdoingmybest boulevard”.

My exercise and diet are currently non-existent. I am dealing with very negative feelings on a choice a close family member is making. And I am overall feeling overwhelmed with life.

My house and mind are currently so cluttered I have not gotten out of my pajamas in two days and I feel like a voyeur watching my family. I watch them from my bed through the open blinds as they play outdoors and interact with each other. I want to join them but currently I am having a hard time finding one redeeming quality about myself worthy of being in their company. So I will continue to watch, in my nightgown, self medicating with food and other varies means.

It seems at the moment I am stuck. I am stuck thinking about the past and how I was and could have been if only I had done this or that differently. Or stuck in the eternal thought process “I just need to make it to X day” and then everything will be ok. Or “once X has taken place everything will be ok”. Living in those two frames of mind makes the present ……. Well I’m not very present.

I have two unbelievably wonderful children, an amazing husband, a beautiful home, a handful of friends that would bail me out of jail no questions and a ton of acquaintances who have a smile for me whenever I see them. But I have this overriding need for approval which keeps my calendar almost busting with “to do”s. I curse myself almost every time I hear myself say “I can do that” or “I can hand that”. The truth is I can not.

The other truth is I know I will start feeling better when I start eating better and getting back to the gym but I can’t seem to force myself to do those things. I have a new program (really almost the same as I did in February that worked so well. Minus the shots) all set to start Tuesday. The meals for the upcoming week are already made and the gym times are all written on the calendar. I am actually looking forward to it, well as much as I can in my medicated haze that I am at the moment keeping myself in. I know I will start fresh on Tuesday morning and I probably shouldn’t even be writing this but I just needed to get it out. I am feeling so very alone and helpless. I want to care. I want to be present. I don’t want my life pass me by and wish I had joined in, wish I has participated. I don’t want to wake up one day and wonder, where did all the time go.

Life is so amazing, not just life but my life! Why do I let these feelings stop me from being the person I know I am inside? The person that is screaming for me to wake up and do something before it is too late.

Men is all I will say…

Hubby: I hit a personal goal today!
Me: Great! What?
Hubby: I hit 209lbs
Me:
Hubby: Are your eyes saying “fuck you”?

What’s for lunch?

Ok still going strong with my exercising and diet. I really hate calling it a diet and I refuse to say “lifestyle change” I don’t know why but both terms just annoy me. But whatever, both are on track. Yesterday I didn’t have time to go to the gym and I did a DVD at home. I almost said to hell with it but I changed my mind at 8pm. Indifference is one of the main reasons I am the way I am so I am trying to reverse that. I’m a little bit nervous about this evening; we are going to a surprise birthday party for one of my friends. I know there will be “party” type food. All the stuff I love, chips, pretzels, sweets, carbs, carbs and more carbs… I vow I will not eat any of it. I am going to eat before I leave (4 oz of skinless chicken) and I will have a mini meatloaf (4 oz lean ground beef) waiting for me when we return. So I know I will not be hungry, it will totally be mental.

This month that I have been on this drastic diet I have realized another thing about myself… so much of what I do is focused around food. It’s really sad. Last night for example, MD and her dad went to a Me and My Guy dance for the Girl Scouts so JM and I were home alone. Normally I would have let him play the Wii for the whole three hours while I would have sat like a vegetable in front of the TV eating. Instead I did an exercise DVD. He joined in off and on but he was completely entertained and telling me how good I was doing. Then we spent the next hour and a half playing chess, Monopoly Junior, Uno and talking about the solar system.

Then today instead of going out to eat for brunch we packed a light picnic and went to the river and had a class on shells and fossils and then walked the boardwalk. Wonderful family time. I feel like we are making changes I hope we can continue them. I want to continue with this way of eating long term and when I lose the amount of weight I want then I can add a splurge day once a week. There is so much more to this wonderful life then what’s for lunch.

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