one day down

ok I am feeling a little better today. I followed my meal plan, went to the gym and ready to go to sleep now.

I decided to try to remember one good thing about myself each time I post. Today I am proud of the fact when i say I will do something I always follow through.

Not feeling like myself these days….

I have been in a particularly dark place recently. No matter how I try or what I do, I seem to be located smack dab and to quote a fellow blogger “at the intersection of fat avenue, self Loathing Street, patriarchy lane and i’mdoingmybest boulevard”.

My exercise and diet are currently non-existent. I am dealing with very negative feelings on a choice a close family member is making. And I am overall feeling overwhelmed with life.

My house and mind are currently so cluttered I have not gotten out of my pajamas in two days and I feel like a voyeur watching my family. I watch them from my bed through the open blinds as they play outdoors and interact with each other. I want to join them but currently I am having a hard time finding one redeeming quality about myself worthy of being in their company. So I will continue to watch, in my nightgown, self medicating with food and other varies means.

It seems at the moment I am stuck. I am stuck thinking about the past and how I was and could have been if only I had done this or that differently. Or stuck in the eternal thought process “I just need to make it to X day” and then everything will be ok. Or “once X has taken place everything will be ok”. Living in those two frames of mind makes the present ……. Well I’m not very present.

I have two unbelievably wonderful children, an amazing husband, a beautiful home, a handful of friends that would bail me out of jail no questions and a ton of acquaintances who have a smile for me whenever I see them. But I have this overriding need for approval which keeps my calendar almost busting with “to do”s. I curse myself almost every time I hear myself say “I can do that” or “I can hand that”. The truth is I can not.

The other truth is I know I will start feeling better when I start eating better and getting back to the gym but I can’t seem to force myself to do those things. I have a new program (really almost the same as I did in February that worked so well. Minus the shots) all set to start Tuesday. The meals for the upcoming week are already made and the gym times are all written on the calendar. I am actually looking forward to it, well as much as I can in my medicated haze that I am at the moment keeping myself in. I know I will start fresh on Tuesday morning and I probably shouldn’t even be writing this but I just needed to get it out. I am feeling so very alone and helpless. I want to care. I want to be present. I don’t want my life pass me by and wish I had joined in, wish I has participated. I don’t want to wake up one day and wonder, where did all the time go.

Life is so amazing, not just life but my life! Why do I let these feelings stop me from being the person I know I am inside? The person that is screaming for me to wake up and do something before it is too late.

Top 10 Ideas for Father’s Day!

While looking for Father’s Day crafts my kiddos can do for their daddy I found this and thought I would share. I found it on this blog.

Wondering what YOU should do for Father’s Day?

Father’s Day is a day to thank and honor fathers. In some ways it is like any other day but we have to kick that celebration factor a few notches higher!

It does not matter if you are a dad, mom, old or young, here are our best activities for Father’s Day. So enjoy!

1. Start the day off just right. How does YOUR dad (or husband) like to start his mornings? If he wants to sleep in, get him coffee in bed. If he loves to be up and active early, then get out for an early morning breakfast.

2. No matter what gift you make or create for dad be sure to make a hand made card.Write a heartfelt message for him inside.

3. Kids are too small to write? Create a video message for dad.

4. Create a story with dad. Draw pictures and make a little book and you have a wonderful keepsake.

5. Make a song for dad. This will be quite a winner if you have toddlers and preschoolers at home.

6. Go on a picnic.

7. Enjoy the morning with dad and force dad to do something he has always wanted to do but never finds the time to do in the afternoon. My husband has always wanted to go golfing and we hope to send him out to do some this weekend.

8. Cook with dad and cook for dad. Make something simple and personal that dad would love to eat!

9. Make a life size portrait of dad. Attach drawing paper to create a HUGE sheet. Ask dad to lie on it and draw the outline. Color it as a family. Decorate dad’s shirt with positive adjectives and words that indicate why you love him.

10. If dad wants quiet time, sit back and read some books or even watch a movie.

I am off to see what all we can do for and with dad this Father’s day. In the meantime, I hope you share your activities and plans!

Men is all I will say…

Hubby: I hit a personal goal today!
Me: Great! What?
Hubby: I hit 209lbs
Hubby: Are your eyes saying “fuck you”?

Summer is almost here… hang on…

I hear moms who have school aged children complain all the time about the summer. They say what will I do with them? They are going to drive me crazy! How will I ever make it through the 73 days that make up the summer vacation?? I just look at theses mothers with wonder in my eyes. Yes my kids fight, to the point I wonder sometimes about my sanity. But I love it. I miss them everyday when they are at school. I think about those moms who are just wondering WHAT will they do to keep their kids busy and I have to laugh at what I am wondering… and that is how will I fit in all the activities I want to do with the kids in just 73 short days!

Wordless Wednesday a day or two early… Who can deny the cuteness of these two boys??? W.H.O.??

tully picnic

The month of May

One would think with the amount of lists, color coded calendars and bins of all sorts I would be a very organized person. Well I’m not. I lost my wallet today for the second time in the past six months. I mean really? How forgetful can one person be? I really didn’t have anything on my mind. In fact I had nothing on my mind which I guess is why I left it at a store counter. The store doesn’t have it so maybe I dropped it in the parking lot… All I know is I had it this morning and now I do not… I totally suck. I had my debit card and credit card but what makes me most angry is I had about $60 cash… I hate when I make stupid mistakes that not only are stupid but cost me money. My only hope is I find it later and have a hearty laugh about this later.

Well I have let almost another full month go by without posting. I’m not sure how that happens? I have fun and interesting stuff happen in our lives but I never seem to find the time to record such events. I am looking forward to the summer where I will have more free time. (I am not working over the summer at the school.)

The kids have a jammed packed schedule as usual. We will be swimming, play grouping, touring and taking a few trips. I hopefully will be a better record keeper.

So at the start of this month I we went to Convention for my Service Club. It was very exciting and inspirational to see what many clubs in my state can get done, some with just a few members! It gives me hope for my small bunch, if I could only get them motivated. Then it was home to Teacher Appreciation week. I will post pictures at the end of the post if you are interested. I wanted all the gifts to be homemade and I think they were well received.

Then MD’s class went on a field trip. We went to the beach! We learned about shells and fossils but really we were just splashing in the water and it was so lovely because daddy was able to come along!Beach TripBeach Trip

Midmonth I went to a reunion, not a class reunion but a reunion from a night club I use to go to almost religiously with many others. The type of club was a Goth club. It was super fun. Unlike just going to a club now and mixing in with everyone, 90% of the people there were from “back in the day”. Even the DJ was the guy who DJed back then. It was nice to see a lot of the old gang. Not only see them but hear only music from then as well not mixed in with music from today. I’m not really brushed up on Goth from today. LOL

In addition to dancing I attended a mom’s night out bowling evening. Different group of ladies but as you can tell from the pictures we have a few wild times too!bowling Babes!

We are rounding out the month with a family bowling trip with other families from school. I opted to just watch this time around because really how much ball tossing can one girl do I ask… bowling

And last but not least MD enjoyed a fun build a bear party with her Daisy troop. Fun was had by all. We are now gearing up for the end of the school year. We will be headed off to the beach for two weeks. I always have spotty internet connections there but it is so peaceful and beautiful, I can’t wait. If all goes according to plan I will even get to travel out west this summer to see one of my besties!!! I just can not wait!

Teacher Appreciation week
there are more teacher gifts just click and view all.

A Place For Everything

removing the clutter...forever