ok today……. I have a new prospective on ones day of birth. In younger years it was about the party, gift, cake etc now I think it is more about reflecting on the sacrifice resulting in a birthday. What my mother went thru to birth children, what they both did to raise children and what I have done and continue to try to do to honor those sacrifices. All those times when I didn’t understand “why” they were doing this to me. (whatever “this” was at the moment). Or how the world isn’t always about myself, other people have dreams as well. They love me and only want great things for me.
What does a birthday actually “mean”? It was the day everything changed. I never realized that before I had my own children and they begun having birthdays of their own. Birthdays are the days when we celebrate: yes they made it another year. Hopefully all in one piece and somewhat smarter. As an adult and mother of my own children, I am still “making it another year” on each of my birthdays. My parents may not have the day to day responsibility of seeing me thru but I now realize they still hold my hand daily even if it is only in sprit (due to the miles between us). I will forever be their child, as JM and MD will always be mine. I wonder just what thoughts, fears, hopes were running around in mother’s mind exactly thirty one years ago to the moment. Was she in a lot of pain? Was she afraid? Was my father scared? Was he like DH and have actual physical reactions to the birth of his children? (With JM he got really sick with the flu when my water broke and recovered a mire 24 hours after his birth and with MD he had a crippling back pain that lasted again about 24 hours both I know were psychosomatic illnesses. I suppose I could ask my parents these questions……
I have grown this year by:
Forgiving myself for not being the perfect mother I thought I would and should be.
I realized a classroom is not always what it appears.
I embrace that sometimes different may just be better.
What I hope to work on this upcoming year:
Accepting I am one person.
I desire love, support and friendship.
Embracing the concept that we as human are selfish to a certain degree and that is ok.
Fully accepting it is ok to know what I want and go after it.
Some of these are lessons that I realized need to be relearned. I can only teach my children what I believe in my heart.
OK maybe my day is still a little about the cake….