off to soak up some rays!

We just got back from Disney and now we are off to the beach until Mother’s Day! I can not wait! We haven’t been to my grandparent’s beach house since last summer. I so enjoy being there with my children. It brings back very fond childhood memories for me of my family. It also brings back very fond teenage memories or should I say the lack of some memories! I was a very popular girl among my friends when it came to the question of what to do on that day when we skipped school. We would head out to the beach house. Why we were never caught I’ll never know? At the time I just assumed it was a weekday why would anyone be at the house? And fortunately no one ever was and the distant family members who live near the house either didn’t realize I was alone at the house or thought surely I had permission to be there. 

 

It makes me laugh when I now stay there and told I didn’t clean it just right or something was left out of place just how nit picky some family members can be. Because as a teenager I can surely say I did not do as good a job tiding up and cleaning as I do now. I can not even recall how many times as a teenager I asked a certain friend “was that here or there when we came”? And no one ever said anything or at least not to me if it was ever noticed. Maybe my older aunt was blamed? Who knows but I certainly will not be asking anytime soon as my family still has certain powers over me. 

 

I’ll just consider myself extremely lucky to have an island retreat to visit now even if it is less frequent now that I require permission to be there. 

 

With no internet access I will get a lot of read and resting done!  

Happy Earth Day!!!


I remember the days when I got a strange look from the bagboys at the supermarket when I answered the paper or plastic question with “neither, I brought my own bags”. I only sometimes now get a funny look at playgroup when I am asked for a napkin or wet wipe and I hand the mom a cloth napkin and assure her it is ok if she gets it dirty. My Children’s Klean Kanteen cups seem to be common place now, my Wrap N Mats only get a glance and the underworld of cloth diapers is the new mommy cult to some.

There are so many who are more green then I am but I enjoy my place in the post baby boomer hippy movement. I miss my large blue rolling recycle bin out west, the one that was free and got picked up every Tuesday. It seems as though down South the recycling is a bit slow. But it is here, and some choose to do it even if we must buy special plastic blue bags and occasionally I spy the trash man toss them in with the normal garbage.

My kids did a project today to celebrate Earth day and recycling. In our yard we had a dead plant that we cut up, painted and added magnets to. The children had fun painting them green. I always try to talk to them about the earth and recycling. Today when I told them it was the earth’s special day MD decided we the earth needed some birthday cake so she the earth would feel happy on it’s special day and JM said he understood about how to recycle.

Me: Can you give me an example of how we recycle?

JM: sure! It’s like when you come home with new toys!!

Me: ???

JM: You know mom…. From yard a sale… a boy out grows his toys and you bring them home to me!

Me: Oh yeah… that exactly what I meant..

JM: Here mom this toy can go in our yard sale, I’m done with it. It needs to be recycled to a new little boy.

Me: I love you JM.

 

So does that count?

disturbing dream, any thoughts?

So I had a very vivid and disturbing dream last night. I have always been a very active dreamer until the last month. I started taking some medication and one of the side effects is I sleep very soundly. So this dream is one of only about three I’ve had over the last month and is the only one that has been disturbing. 

 

So in the dream I was younger and I was starting a new job, a familiar type of job in a daycare. There were many other young women there. The way that typically goes is all the existing girls are somewhat mean to the new girl in a sort of marking my territory kind of way. And I was thinking I should just deal with it because it is only temporary. As I was leaving the first day, there is a man who starts talking to me and then the next flash I have is running away and the knowledge that my entire family is dead (IRL thankfully all my family members are alive and in good heath). In the dream I was younger so in my dream it is my mother, father, sister etc that is in my mind and my husband and children do not exist yet. 

 

So I am running and it seems like I am getting younger and younger as I run. I find a truck that has the keys inside and I sit behind the driver’s seat. I’m a teenager but I don’t start the truck for some reason. I finger the keychain, it is a leather oval shaped and has a leather stamped design on it (but I can’t recall the design now).

 

Then I get out of the truck and run to another daycare (it appears to be the daycare that was my first teaching job at sixteen). So I enter the building and I see my old boss, Alice although I don’t acknowledge her as my old boss but I do call her by name. I am crying asking her to call my mother. I see she feels sorry for me, but it is strange almost as if she knows my family is dead and I am having some sort of episode because I’ve asked her to call a dead person. All of a sudden the man shows up and I grab a knife from the kitchen and he laughs at me. He says he likes to be cut, so I stab at him. I do knick him several times and he continues to laugh. The feeling of the knife cutting his skins is a repulsive feeling and I am hysterical. I’m not sure if I am more hysterical over the cutting feeling or the fact I can not seem to get away or hurt this man. Then Alice reappears. She wants the man to fill out paperwork so she can release me to him. While he is distracted I run, out into the yard which is surrounded by a very tall fence. I start to climb the fence just as I reach the top the man grabs me and is still laughing. I am crying and trying to scream for help but no one is listening. Outside of the fence is a sort of running/jogging trail. There are many runners on the trails who watch as they pass and as I try to cry out for help they look but keep going. The dream ends with the man laughing and dragging me away from the fence and me reaching out to the runners who just keep going. And I have the thoughts of do they not hear me or not want to help me.      

I just miss my friends

Here is the eternal question; why continue to do something if it is not working? I have asked myself that question several times recently and I have not found a good answer. The only thing I can come up with is habit. Change seems scary; it is easy to do what one has always done. 

 

Moving to this new place I am still getting my footing even now a year later. I have tried and tried to recreate what I had out west and have been disappointed over and over when I fail. The truth is I can not recreate the circle of friends I had out West simply by joining the same type of support group. Number one everyone is different and only until I stop comparing can I truly make new friends. Number two these new friends can not possible compete with the life changing experiences I shared with my old circle of friends, those days of pregnancy, child birth, nursing and all those other new mom firsts are all gone. I can not build the same kinds of relationship I have with my old friends, I can only strive for new types of connections. And number three I am in a different place in my life, a new place with new challenges. No longer am I the new mom of one infant or the mom who just had a second baby. I’m not a mom dealing with a cranky first baby who doesn’t understand why said baby just won’t sleep. I am not the mom questioning the “what if’s” of mothering babies. No no I have a whole new set of “what if’s” to deal with and miss having that connection with my old friends. 

 

Not to brag but I had the total package as far as friends go, my circle was made up of a nice melting pot of experience and I was never left wondering what to do. I always had someone to go to who had “been there done that”. I was also valued in my circle as well because I too had some “BTDT” advice of my own. It was a good balance and I never felt like there was a lack of give and take in my relationships. I don’t seem to have that in the group I am trying so desperately to connect with. No amount of trying will magically create that and I either need to come to grips with that or move on. 

 

There is another group that seems to be able to provide what I am looking for but it is a new thing, not what I am use to and I am having trouble giving into it completely because it is not the group I have always believed in. The first group works, I still believe in it but I need to realize it works for what it is. And what I am having a hard time accepting is; what it is, may not be what I need anymore and that thought is scary. I’m not sure if somewhere deep inside I feel like if I let the first group go here I will diminish what I had with my old circle of friends and that simply is not true.        

 

I miss my friends, I miss seeing them, I miss seeing their children, and I miss all the little things. One memory sticks out in my mind; my friend’s in laws had been staying for a visit at her home for about two weeks. That meant our time together was very limited during those two weeks. I remember the moment they departed she called me and I screamed “come over” and within 15 minutes she was drinking diet coke at my kitchen table. I miss that.

It is what it is

Well I’m not sure if it was the fact I identify why I blog or what but my inspiration for writing seems to have disappeared lately. Over the last month I have taken some steps to get more organized and focused and it seems to be working. As a result I have been very productive and getting things I need/ want to get done completed. 

 

Driving home the other night I saw something that made a light bulb go off in my head. I live somewhat away from the city, not really the country but a ways away from anything. Anyway I say two deer crossing the road. They weren’t just leisurely strolling across the street they were daring this way and that way in a grabastic “oh shit” sort of way until they found the woods and disappeared. The whole situation took about 5 seconds but it seemed in slow motion for me. I was in no danger of hitting them with my van but it really reminded me of myself in a way. For as long as I can remember I have been very scattered and somewhat of a mess. Well over the last month like I said I have been taking measures to be more focused. At first I didn’t like it; I wasn’t able to multitask in the fashion I have been accustomed to. But then I realized I have never really effectively multi tasked. I have done many things at once, sometimes finishing, sometimes not but most often in the end feeling frustrated and having about ten projects in varies stages of completion. While lately I am able to do less, I am more effective at what I select to do. It is true of my crafts down to being a better listener, I feel like I am better at each of these things. The only down side is I do have less time to do more things. The up side is I am finishing almost everything I start. 

 

Ironically cleaning the bathroom is not at the top of my list so my toilet still has a ring and currently there are dirty dishes in my sink but that is ok. 

 

I think I may be entering a new phase in my life. I can only do what I can do so I better choose wisely and that my friend is what it is.         

No jokes here…

Why do some of us blog?

Why post personal details of ones life on the internet for all cyberspace to read? Some say it is for themselves, others say it is a way to document their life for their children to read and some say they are just attention junkies. 

 I’m not sure which category I fall into…..

 I’d like to think I blog for myself but then why publish? I’d like to think I write for my children but then why speak of such subjects? Maybe it’s a way for me to really have concrete evidence I exist?

The fact that it is April fools day is not lost on me and I hold out hope it is a joke.  

A Place For Everything

removing the clutter...forever