They are NOT New Years resolutions!

So here it is…. New Years Eve. Following a very wise friend I am NOT making any New Years resolutions! Instead I am opting for New Years Intentions…. This absolves me if I decide the said “intention” is not working out and I can just nix it. See much less presurre! My intentions for this year are: 

*To make more me time and not feel guilty about it. This includes scrapbooking, reading, writing, dancing or just sitting still.

*To not volunteer for anything I really don’t want to do. This is especially important to remember even when no one else is stepping up.

*To play more games with my kids.

*To at least try new foods, even if I don’t *think* I will like it.

*To understand if I am full that means STOP eating.

*To make better food choices.

 *To be a more active person. Even if this means parking farther away or taking a walk.

*To kiss my husband everyday no matter what.

*To write more often. 

 

 Please note I did not list to lose weight. If I follow thru with all my intentions then losing weight will just be a byproduct of that. Ok see you at midnight!

Not a girl not yet a women….

As if the speech wasn’t enough the girl graced the potty with pee-pee last night!!!

Don’t ask me one more thing! You are smart enough…….

MD is starting to speak more clearly these days. This is good and bad, it is good that I can actually understand that she wishes to drink apple juice over the water I try to force down her throat but it is bad when she says prefers to not wear a matching adorable sweet as apple pie hair bow choosing the stringy in her face hillbilly look. I kind of liked when she would cry and I could pretend not to know what was wrong when it servered me. (like the hairbow issue). It is also another sign my baby is not so much baby anymore. There will be no more babies in the crazy family but this coming into her own is having me a bit melancholy these days. Like the boy, soon she will know her letters and sounds and then what will I do???? I have yet to imagine past this milestone. Being a former teacher I have spent the last 15 years collecting phonics books, flash cards and a variety of preschool arts and crafts books. With the kids two and four years I see the end of the alpha tunnel nearing and it is quite scary for me. Thank goodness for November birthdays and school year cut offs! We still have two more years at home for the boy and four for the girl but then what……… PTA? Girl scouts?  Slumber parties? DATING????!!!???? I know I was ready to be a baby’s
mommy but I’m not so sure I am equipped to be more. I can barely hold myself together let alone guide someone else thru peer pressure, make-up and the opposite sex relations. My son has declared he is marring one of his playmates little sister (she is currently six months old). He says “I’m going to marry her and she will be the
mommy and I’ll be the daddy” I am quite certain it was news to her
mommy (my friend). My girl has her sights set on an older man another friend’s seven year old son. That is all fun and games until upon leaving a playdate today she cried for 15 minutes after we left her true love behind with his mother….. Does it all go this fast? Will I always feel like I am just running to keep up with time?           

The day has come and gone without notice…..

Can you believe I missed observing one of the most important days of the year…….December 22end was Global Orgasm day and I missed it!   How could I be neglectful? This day is set up to effect positive change in the energy field of the earth thru input of the largest possible surge of human energy, a synchronized Global Orgasm! And I missed it, now someone was thinking! Gotta love those hippies!  

Musical interlude by JM, MD and friend

Damn you Kurt

Waiting for something to happen but not sure what best describes so many feelings I have swirling around in my mind and heart. Who I am now, the girl I once was and the woman I have yet to become. How extremely happy and content I can be at one moment and the next feel wanting and not quite sure why on any level? What dream am I wanting to chase? I really don’t understand myself at times. I remember when Kurt killed himself I cried for days…. Cried for a man I never meet? This soul who seemed so misunderstood and unhappy yet he had a beautiful daughter, money, a fucked up devoted wife, he could play guitar so unbelievably well and could write my goodness could he write yet he was unhappy? Sad, did drugs and so extremely self-destructive….? I feel like that sometimes…. extremely self-destructive. Having everything I ever wanted yet it’s not enough? But why?

  

Am I one of those people that just stands on the escalator? Really though I am not alone in this life. I share what I have and who I am with those I love. All this pissing and moaning, desire to be more I’m not sure where I am going with it or why….And for God Sake Kurt, give Francis the cookie!  

Nowhere summed up better then here………………. I ain’t changed but I know I ain’t the same…….. 

    

owww weeee I sure need to get out of whatever funk I’m currently finding myself in. Maybe I just need me some hot monkey love sex!

Music makes my world go round *in no particular order.

It’s funny how music can bring you back to a specific point in time almost instantly. How old feelings can boil to the surface in moments and almost trance like the memory plays out in your mind. My first slow dance was in my parent’s bedroom (on summer break they were at work) with Scotty Pomiroy and we danced to Black Velvet. My first kiss Bon Jovi’s I’ll be there for you was playing and when I heard Everything I do I do for you by Bryan Adams I mistakenly took it as a sign to go thru with another first……. 

Most any dirt rock band will bring me right back to the Firehouse, a bar. I can almost smell the cigarettes and hear the darts being tossed. The Counting Crows really brings Izzy, Joe, Bo, Cindy and of course Shelly to my mind. The song Omaha and Around Here the most and Colorblind always makes me that sick sad. But that was a good time for me. A sense of community or a bond of losers I don’t know? To badly quote the Matrics “Humans are defined by their suffering”.

When I hear Spider Webs by No Doubt I think about getting ready to party. How I cringe at any Ace of Base song because it bring back horrible memories of John Worrel. Tori Amos marks a coming of age for me. Most all her songs reminded me of moving out on my own one. Her songs Leather and Happy Phantom in particular. Maybe it represents a sexual control for me. The first time I was in control of absolutely everything around me. Breaking free becoming a woman.  

Then there is the freedom of dancing starting way back when with the Violent FemmesSkatenigs, Nine Inch Nails and Rage Against Machine. I remember my first night at the club DNA. I was sixteen on an ID that said I was eighteen. Shel and I watched the melodic dancers swaying to the gothic music spilling out into the air. We looked at each other and said “how do they do that”? Quickly we learned. It was very different from the techno club we were frequenting before (the Red Zone) and the moves were a world and culture away from dancing to Shawnta’ and Vanity 6.

Jewel’s Near You Always closes that chapter in my life. Jewel was just coming out when I meet John. I remember I got some bootleg copy of a copy of hers and played it until it broke. He laughed and said I’d never hear her on the radio. I guess he was wrong.  

 I have always loved music and love a wide range. Billy Joel reminds me of being a child. I remember trying to swing to the sky while singing Uptown girl in my parents backyard. Or skating on our living room tile floor before dad came home from work just yelling Freeze Frame. I wonder if my mother even remembers that? I do.  

So music has always played a big part of my life and emotions. When I think of my life now I am currently in love with Jack Johnson and Laurie Berkner.  I know in years to come when I think of these songs I will think of my children little and beautiful. I wonder what they will think of? I am notorious for belting out songs by Frank Sinatra and Johnny Cash (Aren’t they sweet!!!). My kids love it when Call me Al by Paul Simon plays as it is always a sight to be seem. Off key but with heart!  

** Go on you know you want to click my links!!!

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