There I was and here I go

30 years ago… 1982 I was 7 years old, the same age my daughter is now. I was a sassy little thing just like she is. I was in the first grade and the best thing about that year is I got the chicken pox and got to stay home from school with my mother for two whole weeks. I routinely called my dad from school asking to be picked up as I was “so sick”. My father and I were very close and I have fond memories of him telling me to not take any wooden nickels everyday as I got out of his car in the morning. I would tell that sassy girl to be kinder to her parents… (maybe I’m just projecting…)

20 years ago…  1992 I was 17 years old girl. It was the summer before senior year. I was working and making life long friends. My boyfriend was leaving for college and I was sad but I had my eye on another boy who I had dated on and off for years. Who I would date more on and off for the next few years and he would leave for active military duty. I learned from both those relationships when it’s wrong, it’s just wrong. This is good for JC who I would met just 4 short years later and that has proven to be oh so right! I wish I could tell that girl study more and that the people she is trying to impress aren’t worth it.

10 years ago… 2002 I am 27 years old. I am a young wife and mother. JC and I had been together for 6 years. We have gotten married, bought a home, sold a home and bought another home. We just moved out West and after two long hard years of trying, surgeries and loss we now have a perfect “pink piggie” of a baby. Our new son JM was born in November. The sun, moon and stars all were hung by this child. I dreamed all my life of having a child and here this child was. In my dreams this child didn’t have a penis but I am so very glad I got the boy that I did. While I never dreamed of being the mother of a boy, I now could never imagine my life without him. If I could give myself one note of advice I would say worry less, you know what you’re doing.

5 years ago…  2007 I am now 32 years old. We now have two amazing kids. We have moved back home to the South. I am dealing with loneliness because I miss my friends but I am so very excited that I get to see my family all the time. I am scared because after always being a stay at home mother my oldest goes to school for the first time. As it turns out he has an amazing teacher who loves him. As it turns out Noggin really is “Like preschool on TV” LOL Again I would tell this still young mom not to worry so much. Enjoy these kids before they get too big on you. Worrying just turns your hair more gray plus the school only lost him once the whole year….

3 years ago… 2010 I am 35 years old. My baby starts school. I am feeling great because they both got into an environmental charter school we have been on the waitlist for two years. I am uber involved and only slightly miss having them home. I do enjoy my free days to lunch with my friends, get my nails done and er…. clean the house. I would tell this woman go to the gym more, really do something that matters.

1 year ago… 2011 I am 36  years old. We have been worried about JM for awhile now. He is not socially where he should be and he seems to be getting bullied. But we are still ok money is tighter as the drive to school is longer and I start thinking about my age. I am no longer the “young” mom. While I should be happy and ready for the next step of life I have now convinced everyone in our house we need another baby. And the quest begins. My advice to this momma is when it comes to your child fight, and fight hard. Follow your heart and never let anyone stop you. Be fierce.

So far this year…2012 JM has been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome. Now we know. He’s in counseling and skills group and it’s a learning process. At least now we know and now we move forward productively. It’s hard for all involved to remember just because he is so very smart, there are things at this moment that are simply out of his control. I have decided to start a business. In July I am becoming an Independent Designer for Origami Owl Living Lockets. I have never considered direct in home sales before but something just struck me about this company and I know, no I feel this is an amazing opportunity for me. My advice to myself is: With a bit of love, luck and a 10 seconds of courage anything is possible. A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G.

Yesterday I… Had a great doctor appointment. While it wasn’t a let’s make this happen tomorrow, it was a very positive step in the right direction. I am so excited about this.

Today I…Had a nice dinner with my family. I reflected on all the good things in my life and so excited about what is in our future.

Later tonight…I will pack for a long girls weekend that is about two months in the making. A time for us to refresh, reflect and enjoy each other and rejuvenate ourselves. (thanks K see you tomorrow!)

Tomorrow…Is the last day of school for the kids and before I leave we will celebrate by going to get ice cream and rejoice in no more uniforms for 2.5 months!

This year I hope to…. Grow a successful Origami Owl business, get pregnant, continue to grow as a person and be the best wife and mother I know how to be.

 

Thank you One Pink Hippie for your inspiring post. I really love your blog.

I could really use a wish right now….

Well another doctor appointment is scheduled for tomorrow.

I know I always seem to be on the wanting side of the fence but here I am… almost full circle in my adult life. I have been full on baby 3.0 quest since about September 2011. I am starting to feel that same desperate feeling I felt when I couldn’t get pregnant the first time. That same why does the doctor have so much power feeling, why can’t we be like all the other couples in the world, can’t my body do what it’s should do, why can’t I do the things I need to do to make it happen and the thing that seems to allude me in so many areas of my life right now….the desire to be an “after” story. My husband has been pressuring me to let baby number three go. Questioning as to why I can’t just be happy with the two sweet wonderful amazing children we have. And the answer is I am happy with them. I love them both so much but my heart-strings are in knots, telling me there is another baby that belongs in our family.

I am so unhappy these days with my birdies out of the nest all day at school. I feel like I still have so much love, energy and desire to give to another baby and the thought of waiting for grandchildren as JC suggests to do it seems almost unbearable. Can I be old enough to even entertain the thought of grandchildren…..I think not.

I have always been resourceful when it has come to earning extra funds my family needs. Now with both of them in school I have been able to get a full-time job and while it is ok it has left me feeling empty. As if each day is the same, without meaning. A continual reminder of all that was once good and wonderful and carefree is gone. A fleeting moment in time when Pajamas and breast milk was all I had to worry about and if the mailman came to the door. Do all former stay at home mothers deal with this loneliness? This lack of feeling useful? Feeling that they are not needed?

I am not feeling needed or even accepted by my friends who have small children recently. The feeling of being tolerated is not something I am use to. Yet I do not fit in with the working mother group either as all I feel like I have to offer is how much I loath being away from my children, wishing I could be at my kid’s school more instead of at my desk and as each day that passes I grow older and with that the chances of having a baby decreases. Yet I still sabotage myself with my diet and exercise efforts.

It is almost summer and while I hate the heat I love what the summer means, more time with my kids. Maybe that is just what I need.

A Place For Everything

removing the clutter...forever