We made it…

Well everyone had a good day. I even smiled despite myself.

xmas morninghoney

The kids asked for more pricey gifts this year so there were fewer then we’ve had in the past but they loved what they got. I wish we would scale back every year not just when the price tag goes up on items.

But that’s part of why I hate Christmas…. everyone including my kids have their hand out. But again we had a nice day. The family all gathered and we shared nice conversation, good food and the day went smooth.

I did happen though after 13 days pass a rather large (the size of my palm) blood clot that had about what looked to be a stem about two inches long. I can only guess it was part of the umbilical cord possibly? I didn’t think there was anything left and certainly nothing like that. It was very dense and the stem seemed very thick. I am very mixed about it. Why today? I have seemed to almost stopped bleeding after that passed and I also got some blood work results yesterday. They tested my HCG levels on  December 10th and my HCG level was at 40,000 (this hormone is what they measure to detect pregnancy). I was tested again for the same HCG level on Friday December 21 (9 days post mc) and my HCG level has dropped to 120. This is good news as I need to be at a zero in order for my body to “reset” and get to get back on a normal cycle again. This needs to happen to start trying again.

Its strange, I feel it a bit stress relieving to talk and write about this and talk about the baby to others. Not to have anyone feel sorry for me but to just to talk about it. While at least two other women I know that have reached out to me in my time of need, telling me about their experiences both occurring this year neither one talked to very many people about their loss that I know of. Both shared with me (thankfully) to comfort me in my process. I think it is interesting how different people grieve differently. I still am having “good” days and “bad ” ones. I can only hope this gets easier in time.

cookies, gingerbread houses, glass balls oh my!

I am not a fan of the holidays, any holiday but mostly I hate Christmas. And with recent events I can not say I am any more fond of the season. The only highlight is an annual tradition that was started about nine years ago by one of my very best BFFs. She loved baking and I love crafting and we along with our merry band of moms we all got together with our kids and made a day of it. Every Christmas Eve while our husbands still were working we spent the day together, crafting, baking, decorating and being each other’s family. Since moving away I have tried to recapture this and I have held it every year but it’s not the same.

I do find joy in it but it really isn’t the same. This year I kept a smile on my face and everything went as planned but under it all I am still greiving. The kids did have fun and that’s what counts.

xmas party 2xmas party








We go to my in-laws this evening and I am not looking forward to this, as I know at some point there were gifts for my baby. There was joy for this new life that was entering our lives, hearts and family. And now there is nothing but the “I’m sorrys”.

I find myself compelled to answer each “I’m sorry” with “it happens” instead of what I am screaming inside… “WHY our baby???”….

I keep repeating in my mind that we will be fine, we will get past this, we will have another baby, we have two beautiful children…. like a silent mantra. I know this is true. I also know I am thankful this happened now and not six months from now or a year from now before there was any suffering from this baby who clearly had a serious health problem. But I am still so sad, so disappointed so empty.

I must put on my mask for children, tomorrow is Christmas. They deserve to have a happy mother. I truly want to feel better, I’m just not sure how to find my way.

Are the stages a sliding scale?

So I know I must be going through the stages of grief but where I actually am on that list I’m not too sure. Its been eight days since we got the horrible news. I seem to be ok for a bit and then as if I sudden remember and feel guilty for smiling. I know that is somewhat silly. There was something wrong with this baby. To be truthful and honest there was never a heartbeat. But none the less my whole soul aches. How can I miss a person that never was? A person I never held or comforted or kissed. But I do, I miss this tiny little life that never was.

I not quite the mess I was last week. My mind accepts this logic, my brain is trying to reason with my emotions. Most of the time my mind wins. But under it all my heart feels cold and sad. I wave at little children I see in the store and I get a weak wave back, a faint smile as if they all can see the sadness on me like a coat.

I know I will be happy again. I know this sad, dark time will past. I love the two sweet children I am lucky to have. My mind knows these things. I know we will try again and I have faith we will succeed. I know there will be a new life in our family in the future but will I be able to forget this one? Will I be able to let this one go?

Will I be scared the whole time of losing that one too? I have always viewed my womb as the one place on earth I could absolutely protect my child 100% from everything and everyone ….. I have lost that confidence. My body has in one more way betrayed and let me down.

Well the rest of the details are as follows:

The following post has a lot of details. If you get grossed out or don’t want to know stop reading but I need to get this out………….





Today I have zero pain except my back is still sore (maybe from laying down most of yesterday?) My bleeding is a very light flow with no more clots at all. It actually has been very watery with no clots since about 6pm yesterday. That’s about when my cramps completely were gone. I do think all the tissue came out but we will see at the ultrasound next week. I would guess the whole process from the time I inserted the pills at four am (four of them) yesterday was about a total of 14 hours with the worst being about seven hours in.

I must also say I’m guessing from the finality of the process my grief has gone from intermittent crying and just repeating that I don’t want this to be true and disbelief  to today more of an acceptance and disappointment feeling at what could have been. I am still very sad about the loss of life but now that my physically state matches what I logically understand to be true from the doctor my emotions have seem to have had a chance “catch” up. I really feel like this was the best choice for me. I’m glad I didn’t wait.

I think on some level emotionally I was holding out the tiniest of hope the doctors were wrong and if I did the medication I was taking that tiny irrational hope away. But again the medication was the right choice for me I know not for everyone.

I plan to lay low today and give my body another day of rest but I feel like physically if I had to go to work I could do it. I feel like I can heal and move forward now.

ok I decided….

Ok the below post is somewhat detailed so if you get grossed out or don’t want to know stop reading but I feel like I need to write these things down….

I placed the medication in at 4am  today 12/12/12. I had mild cramps until about 7am, at that time the process started happening. The cramps were not too much more then a bad period. My back has hurt more then anything else. The cramps were most intese at around 11am. (7 hours post meds). Clots have been coming out all day. Now at 2pm the cramps are very mild and the blodd is more like a period now. I feel like I am on the upswing. Thankfully I did not have any vomiting or diahreah. I have taken the tylenol codeine the doctor gave me every four hours and have been drinking a lot of water and using a heating pad. Over all for me the fear of the unexpected was much worse. I am glad my healing process can begin now that this process is almost over.

My heart goes out to any mother who has to go through this.

What am I going to do????

I am worried about taking the medication misoprostol…and I am scared of scar tissue from the D&C so I am hoping to pass this natrually but ….

I wish I knew how long this wait will be to have it happen on its own…. They think the baby stopped growing the week of Thanksgiving (Ironic) so that was almost three weeks ago…


My doctor did give me Phenergan for nausea and codeine for the pain if I choose to take the misoprostol…


I’m overcome with saddness over our loss and my poor husband just tells me do what I feel is best but I just don’t know what to do and I am so scared.

I will never ever forget that there were five…

For so very long I have hoped and wished for a new baby to come into our lives and family. After a long road In October we found out we were successful! The amount of joy and excited that was  felt in our house was overwhelming!!! Then on Tuesday November 27th we had our first ultrasound. The doctor informed me that the baby was measuring about five weeks when it should have been about seven weeks. He said not to worry and to come back next week. So Friday the 7th of December I returned and sadly there was no growth and no heartbeat. The doctor said at 8 weeks and two days there should be a heart beat but furthermore the baby was measuring the exact same number as nine days before. So now I have to decide what to do from here for this baby… Let nature take its course and to wait for the process to start on its own and to pass it naturally, take a medication to make the process start or to do a D&C. I don’t know what to do and I’m just so sad….

I don’t know if emotionally I can handle the possible time it may take to having things happen naturally but I almost can not bear being the cause of the process starting. I know that is because on some level I am hoping and more so wishing this isn’t true and somehow the doctors and the machines are wrong. Meaning if I start this process naturally there is no denying this has happened.

I know it will take time for my body to recover no matter which method I choose. But we will try again but that does not lessen the pain of losing this baby. I know many feel like a baby is not a person at eight weeks but I am not one of those people. To me our family has lost a person. A person we already loved.

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