2013 Resolutions

ok I lie… I decided to make a few 2013 Resolutions…

1. To plan more fun “dates” with the kids. And to invite friends no matter if anyone comes or not.

2. To kill people with kindness no matter what.

3. To not let my silly friend “rules” ruin a friendship. Not everyone gets my rules and honestly I need to realize they are silly and if a rule is “broken” does not mean that friend doesn’t care about me.

4. To not push people away no matter how uncomfortable I get. Remembering putting up a wall doesn’t protect me, it only makes me lonely.

5. Remember everything is not always about me. people have their own shit. Sometimes people do things for reasons having nothing to do with me.

6. Take responsiblity for what is my fault and to let go of stuff that isn’t my fault.

7.  To love… Love myself, my kids, my husband and my friends even when they (including me) mess up.

8. To help other moms especially one just starting out in their own business as much as I can.

Ok I think that’s it.  For a person who stands against making Resolutions I sure made a lot of them.

I thought with losing the baby I decided life was too short to resolve to change anything but I actually see differently now. Life is too short to hold onto things, especially when those things are only hurting myself.

I refuse to make any New Years Resolutions

I dream of a day when I am completely organized. HA! The only comfort I have is it seems every other Facebook update is about cleaning out. About every third blog entry I read is about purging and organizing and the other housewives I know all have the same complaint…. Too much stuff, not enough room.

 

Well I am not in the same boat in the room department. I think our house is plenty big (probably too big) for our needs but the “stuff” is a continual battle. I can always tell how stressed out my life is by how many piles are laying around my house. My stress levels are actually not too high these days but I seems I am falling victim to my old ways of I can not get rid of something if I see its value.

Where does the day go???

I feel like I am forever trying to catch up. There is never enough time in the day to get done all the things I want or need to do. I don’t know if its the time change (boy do I miss AZ) or what but I feel so sleepy and I still have a ton to do tonight…. No matter how organized I think I am or how many lists I create some thing is always pressing…. Ok off to do what’s pressing at the moment…

There I was and here I go

30 years ago… 1982 I was 7 years old, the same age my daughter is now. I was a sassy little thing just like she is. I was in the first grade and the best thing about that year is I got the chicken pox and got to stay home from school with my mother for two whole weeks. I routinely called my dad from school asking to be picked up as I was “so sick”. My father and I were very close and I have fond memories of him telling me to not take any wooden nickels everyday as I got out of his car in the morning. I would tell that sassy girl to be kinder to her parents… (maybe I’m just projecting…)

20 years ago…  1992 I was 17 years old girl. It was the summer before senior year. I was working and making life long friends. My boyfriend was leaving for college and I was sad but I had my eye on another boy who I had dated on and off for years. Who I would date more on and off for the next few years and he would leave for active military duty. I learned from both those relationships when it’s wrong, it’s just wrong. This is good for JC who I would met just 4 short years later and that has proven to be oh so right! I wish I could tell that girl study more and that the people she is trying to impress aren’t worth it.

10 years ago… 2002 I am 27 years old. I am a young wife and mother. JC and I had been together for 6 years. We have gotten married, bought a home, sold a home and bought another home. We just moved out West and after two long hard years of trying, surgeries and loss we now have a perfect “pink piggie” of a baby. Our new son JM was born in November. The sun, moon and stars all were hung by this child. I dreamed all my life of having a child and here this child was. In my dreams this child didn’t have a penis but I am so very glad I got the boy that I did. While I never dreamed of being the mother of a boy, I now could never imagine my life without him. If I could give myself one note of advice I would say worry less, you know what you’re doing.

5 years ago…  2007 I am now 32 years old. We now have two amazing kids. We have moved back home to the South. I am dealing with loneliness because I miss my friends but I am so very excited that I get to see my family all the time. I am scared because after always being a stay at home mother my oldest goes to school for the first time. As it turns out he has an amazing teacher who loves him. As it turns out Noggin really is “Like preschool on TV” LOL Again I would tell this still young mom not to worry so much. Enjoy these kids before they get too big on you. Worrying just turns your hair more gray plus the school only lost him once the whole year….

3 years ago… 2010 I am 35 years old. My baby starts school. I am feeling great because they both got into an environmental charter school we have been on the waitlist for two years. I am uber involved and only slightly miss having them home. I do enjoy my free days to lunch with my friends, get my nails done and er…. clean the house. I would tell this woman go to the gym more, really do something that matters.

1 year ago… 2011 I am 36  years old. We have been worried about JM for awhile now. He is not socially where he should be and he seems to be getting bullied. But we are still ok money is tighter as the drive to school is longer and I start thinking about my age. I am no longer the “young” mom. While I should be happy and ready for the next step of life I have now convinced everyone in our house we need another baby. And the quest begins. My advice to this momma is when it comes to your child fight, and fight hard. Follow your heart and never let anyone stop you. Be fierce.

So far this year…2012 JM has been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome. Now we know. He’s in counseling and skills group and it’s a learning process. At least now we know and now we move forward productively. It’s hard for all involved to remember just because he is so very smart, there are things at this moment that are simply out of his control. I have decided to start a business. In July I am becoming an Independent Designer for Origami Owl Living Lockets. I have never considered direct in home sales before but something just struck me about this company and I know, no I feel this is an amazing opportunity for me. My advice to myself is: With a bit of love, luck and a 10 seconds of courage anything is possible. A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G.

Yesterday I… Had a great doctor appointment. While it wasn’t a let’s make this happen tomorrow, it was a very positive step in the right direction. I am so excited about this.

Today I…Had a nice dinner with my family. I reflected on all the good things in my life and so excited about what is in our future.

Later tonight…I will pack for a long girls weekend that is about two months in the making. A time for us to refresh, reflect and enjoy each other and rejuvenate ourselves. (thanks K see you tomorrow!)

Tomorrow…Is the last day of school for the kids and before I leave we will celebrate by going to get ice cream and rejoice in no more uniforms for 2.5 months!

This year I hope to…. Grow a successful Origami Owl business, get pregnant, continue to grow as a person and be the best wife and mother I know how to be.

 

Thank you One Pink Hippie for your inspiring post. I really love your blog.

I could really use a wish right now….

Well another doctor appointment is scheduled for tomorrow.

I know I always seem to be on the wanting side of the fence but here I am… almost full circle in my adult life. I have been full on baby 3.0 quest since about September 2011. I am starting to feel that same desperate feeling I felt when I couldn’t get pregnant the first time. That same why does the doctor have so much power feeling, why can’t we be like all the other couples in the world, can’t my body do what it’s should do, why can’t I do the things I need to do to make it happen and the thing that seems to allude me in so many areas of my life right now….the desire to be an “after” story. My husband has been pressuring me to let baby number three go. Questioning as to why I can’t just be happy with the two sweet wonderful amazing children we have. And the answer is I am happy with them. I love them both so much but my heart-strings are in knots, telling me there is another baby that belongs in our family.

I am so unhappy these days with my birdies out of the nest all day at school. I feel like I still have so much love, energy and desire to give to another baby and the thought of waiting for grandchildren as JC suggests to do it seems almost unbearable. Can I be old enough to even entertain the thought of grandchildren…..I think not.

I have always been resourceful when it has come to earning extra funds my family needs. Now with both of them in school I have been able to get a full-time job and while it is ok it has left me feeling empty. As if each day is the same, without meaning. A continual reminder of all that was once good and wonderful and carefree is gone. A fleeting moment in time when Pajamas and breast milk was all I had to worry about and if the mailman came to the door. Do all former stay at home mothers deal with this loneliness? This lack of feeling useful? Feeling that they are not needed?

I am not feeling needed or even accepted by my friends who have small children recently. The feeling of being tolerated is not something I am use to. Yet I do not fit in with the working mother group either as all I feel like I have to offer is how much I loath being away from my children, wishing I could be at my kid’s school more instead of at my desk and as each day that passes I grow older and with that the chances of having a baby decreases. Yet I still sabotage myself with my diet and exercise efforts.

It is almost summer and while I hate the heat I love what the summer means, more time with my kids. Maybe that is just what I need.

crap and more crap

What do I gain by holding onto anger? I have no idea but I seem to always do it. I try not to and I think I can logically get over things. But then I see whoever it is and I get filled with adrenaline and then it starts pumping when I see that person and I just can’t let go of what ever it is they did that pissed me off. I met with one of JM’s therapist today she told me JM has a severe problem with rules **shocker** that JM just can’t stand when other people aren’t following them or what he perceives to be not following the rules. He has a thing about fairness or his ideas of fairness. It seems to be a common theme with everyone in my family. I’m not so much a stickler for the rules but I can’t stand if I feel like someone else thinks they’re better then others. I just want the playing field to be level. When that doesn’t happen or I feel like somebody else is looking down their no nose at me or somebody else thinks they’ve gotten one over on me I just can’t get over it. I’m working on it I’m trying to let things go it’s an ongoing process.

Other news my diet is shit but I’m religiously taking my sugar reducing medication and I’ll know in about a month if it works and we possibly to get pregnant again. Everything else seems to be about the same I hate my job we need more money, we never spend enough time with each other but summer is coming.  With that a day off during the week (I don’t care if my boss likes it or not) to find kid oriented stuff to do. Why kid anyone…. our summer calendar is already planned but not as full as last summer when I was able to do something every single day with them. I hate how I I know I will say by the end of the summer “where did it go we didn’t get enough done”… At least we have plenty of vacations scheduled. One for each month of the summer, we’re going to the beach as always, then the lake house and lastly back to the cabin in Georgia.  The gilrs and I are even squeezing in a nice four day weekend to Hilton Head. (Thanks K!).  I’ve never been there and it sounds very posh to me…. as if to say “where you off to?” “oh I’m jetting off to Martha’s Vineyard”. K asures me it is not that glamorous but it sure sounds like it and I know will have a great time. we are all reading 50 Shades of Gray to discuss so that should be fun!

Other related glamorous news MD has decided after I had the honor of being one of the judges in a local beauty pageant she now decided she would like to give it a try. I tried to tell her I’ve been trying to talk her into that since she was about a year old and she would have nothing to do with it. But better late than never and I’m off to find some non glitz all natural pageants for my little MD. One of my bffs is a professional photographer and both her girls grew up doing pageants so I know between her and I we can get this little girl started at least on the small time circuit. Ok so that’s all the news I have for now

Who would Grandma vote for on AI?

My Grandmother died in 1990, I was 15 years old. I was thinking of her today while I was watching American Idol. (yes I watch American Idol and yes I thought of her during this show). I wondered who she would have voted for, who would have struck her fancy. It’s funny actually, here is a woman I knew less then half my life (even less if you consider a human really has very few memories from infancy until around four years old). I knew her a shorter period of time then my spouse and yet when I think about her loss I can still get weak in the knees or laugh hysterically at what I *think* she would find funny.

I wonder what she would say about JM’s corks or MD’s sassy mouth. What she would say about my diet struggles or the fact of how much I worry and make almost everything a level 10 situation.

I wonder though how much is it a true longing to speak to her about grown up things or just has her image just faded in time for me. How much have I distorted her being in my mind due to time passing? Made her to be this perfect, always caring, always happy and smiling person? I wish I knew. It almost seems impossible to mourn a person this long. Not that I am a puddle of tears. I just miss her and wish she were here, I wish my kids could meet her. I wish I could ask her things.

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