cookies, gingerbread houses, glass balls oh my!

I am not a fan of the holidays, any holiday but mostly I hate Christmas. And with recent events I can not say I am any more fond of the season. The only highlight is an annual tradition that was started about nine years ago by one of my very best BFFs. She loved baking and I love crafting and we along with our merry band of moms we all got together with our kids and made a day of it. Every Christmas Eve while our husbands still were working we spent the day together, crafting, baking, decorating and being each other’s family. Since moving away I have tried to recapture this and I have held it every year but it’s not the same.

I do find joy in it but it really isn’t the same. This year I kept a smile on my face and everything went as planned but under it all I am still greiving. The kids did have fun and that’s what counts.

xmas party 2xmas party








We go to my in-laws this evening and I am not looking forward to this, as I know at some point there were gifts for my baby. There was joy for this new life that was entering our lives, hearts and family. And now there is nothing but the “I’m sorrys”.

I find myself compelled to answer each “I’m sorry” with “it happens” instead of what I am screaming inside… “WHY our baby???”….

I keep repeating in my mind that we will be fine, we will get past this, we will have another baby, we have two beautiful children…. like a silent mantra. I know this is true. I also know I am thankful this happened now and not six months from now or a year from now before there was any suffering from this baby who clearly had a serious health problem. But I am still so sad, so disappointed so empty.

I must put on my mask for children, tomorrow is Christmas. They deserve to have a happy mother. I truly want to feel better, I’m just not sure how to find my way.

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