So I know I must be going through the stages of grief but where I actually am on that list I’m not too sure. Its been eight days since we got the horrible news. I seem to be ok for a bit and then as if I sudden remember and feel guilty for smiling. I know that is somewhat silly. There was something wrong with this baby. To be truthful and honest there was never a heartbeat. But none the less my whole soul aches. How can I miss a person that never was? A person I never held or comforted or kissed. But I do, I miss this tiny little life that never was.
I not quite the mess I was last week. My mind accepts this logic, my brain is trying to reason with my emotions. Most of the time my mind wins. But under it all my heart feels cold and sad. I wave at little children I see in the store and I get a weak wave back, a faint smile as if they all can see the sadness on me like a coat.
I know I will be happy again. I know this sad, dark time will past. I love the two sweet children I am lucky to have. My mind knows these things. I know we will try again and I have faith we will succeed. I know there will be a new life in our family in the future but will I be able to forget this one? Will I be able to let this one go?
Will I be scared the whole time of losing that one too? I have always viewed my womb as the one place on earth I could absolutely protect my child 100% from everything and everyone ….. I have lost that confidence. My body has in one more way betrayed and let me down.