I will never ever forget that there were five…

For so very long I have hoped and wished for a new baby to come into our lives and family. After a long road In October we found out we were successful! The amount of joy and excited that was  felt in our house was overwhelming!!! Then on Tuesday November 27th we had our first ultrasound. The doctor informed me that the baby was measuring about five weeks when it should have been about seven weeks. He said not to worry and to come back next week. So Friday the 7th of December I returned and sadly there was no growth and no heartbeat. The doctor said at 8 weeks and two days there should be a heart beat but furthermore the baby was measuring the exact same number as nine days before. So now I have to decide what to do from here for this baby… Let nature take its course and to wait for the process to start on its own and to pass it naturally, take a medication to make the process start or to do a D&C. I don’t know what to do and I’m just so sad….

I don’t know if emotionally I can handle the possible time it may take to having things happen naturally but I almost can not bear being the cause of the process starting. I know that is because on some level I am hoping and more so wishing this isn’t true and somehow the doctors and the machines are wrong. Meaning if I start this process naturally there is no denying this has happened.

I know it will take time for my body to recover no matter which method I choose. But we will try again but that does not lessen the pain of losing this baby. I know many feel like a baby is not a person at eight weeks but I am not one of those people. To me our family has lost a person. A person we already loved.

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