Well this morning I took the test and we have another month of failure in the baby quest. I am a determined person. When I set my mind on something I am like the terminator I W.I.L.L. N.O.T. S.T.O.P….. but we are knocking on the 8 months of disappointment here. At what point do I say this may be fate?
I have two wonderful, beautiful children. That is more than most. I really thought though this family was meant to have three. Now I know the journey was long with the other two and certainly not easy but I just don’t know how to handle this disappointment. In these months I have not been myself, it has cost me some valuable friends. Or depending on how one looks at it maybe that was a positive as true friends see you through even the darkest of times.
On one hand I need to remind myself I have been on this road before and have come through it with success. Yes as of this next try will be more failed attempts than ever before but what does that really mean (other than more money)? I have always said I would not have the children I have and love if not for the sadness of failure before their success. I would not trade who they are for even one extra month of happiness. So with that I can almost hear our new baby out there in the universe saying don’t give up on me momma I need you, I want to be a part of our family. BUT I am so sad…. I am so defeated…. Once again I feel like my body has betrayed me, not doing what it is designed to do…. reproduce.
I have always believed if I want something bad enough I can make it happen… is this true?