Well another doctor appointment is scheduled for tomorrow.
I know I always seem to be on the wanting side of the fence but here I am… almost full circle in my adult life. I have been full on baby 3.0 quest since about September 2011. I am starting to feel that same desperate feeling I felt when I couldn’t get pregnant the first time. That same why does the doctor have so much power feeling, why can’t we be like all the other couples in the world, can’t my body do what it’s should do, why can’t I do the things I need to do to make it happen and the thing that seems to allude me in so many areas of my life right now….the desire to be an “after” story. My husband has been pressuring me to let baby number three go. Questioning as to why I can’t just be happy with the two sweet wonderful amazing children we have. And the answer is I am happy with them. I love them both so much but my heart-strings are in knots, telling me there is another baby that belongs in our family.
I am so unhappy these days with my birdies out of the nest all day at school. I feel like I still have so much love, energy and desire to give to another baby and the thought of waiting for grandchildren as JC suggests to do it seems almost unbearable. Can I be old enough to even entertain the thought of grandchildren…..I think not.
I have always been resourceful when it has come to earning extra funds my family needs. Now with both of them in school I have been able to get a full-time job and while it is ok it has left me feeling empty. As if each day is the same, without meaning. A continual reminder of all that was once good and wonderful and carefree is gone. A fleeting moment in time when Pajamas and breast milk was all I had to worry about and if the mailman came to the door. Do all former stay at home mothers deal with this loneliness? This lack of feeling useful? Feeling that they are not needed?
I am not feeling needed or even accepted by my friends who have small children recently. The feeling of being tolerated is not something I am use to. Yet I do not fit in with the working mother group either as all I feel like I have to offer is how much I loath being away from my children, wishing I could be at my kid’s school more instead of at my desk and as each day that passes I grow older and with that the chances of having a baby decreases. Yet I still sabotage myself with my diet and exercise efforts.
It is almost summer and while I hate the heat I love what the summer means, more time with my kids. Maybe that is just what I need.