I have been in a particularly dark place recently. No matter how I try or what I do, I seem to be located smack dab and to quote a fellow blogger “at the intersection of fat avenue, self Loathing Street, patriarchy lane and i’mdoingmybest boulevard”.
My exercise and diet are currently non-existent. I am dealing with very negative feelings on a choice a close family member is making. And I am overall feeling overwhelmed with life.
My house and mind are currently so cluttered I have not gotten out of my pajamas in two days and I feel like a voyeur watching my family. I watch them from my bed through the open blinds as they play outdoors and interact with each other. I want to join them but currently I am having a hard time finding one redeeming quality about myself worthy of being in their company. So I will continue to watch, in my nightgown, self medicating with food and other varies means.
It seems at the moment I am stuck. I am stuck thinking about the past and how I was and could have been if only I had done this or that differently. Or stuck in the eternal thought process “I just need to make it to X day” and then everything will be ok. Or “once X has taken place everything will be ok”. Living in those two frames of mind makes the present ……. Well I’m not very present.
I have two unbelievably wonderful children, an amazing husband, a beautiful home, a handful of friends that would bail me out of jail no questions and a ton of acquaintances who have a smile for me whenever I see them. But I have this overriding need for approval which keeps my calendar almost busting with “to do”s. I curse myself almost every time I hear myself say “I can do that” or “I can hand that”. The truth is I can not.
The other truth is I know I will start feeling better when I start eating better and getting back to the gym but I can’t seem to force myself to do those things. I have a new program (really almost the same as I did in February that worked so well. Minus the shots) all set to start Tuesday. The meals for the upcoming week are already made and the gym times are all written on the calendar. I am actually looking forward to it, well as much as I can in my medicated haze that I am at the moment keeping myself in. I know I will start fresh on Tuesday morning and I probably shouldn’t even be writing this but I just needed to get it out. I am feeling so very alone and helpless. I want to care. I want to be present. I don’t want my life pass me by and wish I had joined in, wish I has participated. I don’t want to wake up one day and wonder, where did all the time go.
Life is so amazing, not just life but my life! Why do I let these feelings stop me from being the person I know I am inside? The person that is screaming for me to wake up and do something before it is too late.