The evil Facebook

I’ve recently joined Facebook. This site is like an addiction of sorts. I joined because some girls from my book club got me to do it but then I started getting friend request after friend request from people from my past. Mostly the requests are from people from high school. I have accepted their requests and everyone is chattering away with everyone. I sit back and I read wondering what the hell I am doing? I hated high school. I mean I didn’t have one of those experiences where you wonder how the kid made it. I was fine academically. I was a cheerleader and enjoyed the perks that brought socially. I remember the clicks, oh the clicks. There was this social order of the school. And while I was is the “cool” click because I was a cheerleader I was at the bottom of my click so I had a few of my own problems really until my senior year when my friends and I were at the top of our food chain by default but by then I was so uninterested in actually being at school I didn’t care. I was still friends with my friends but I remember being almost a ghost, being there but not. Most days interacting with others only when I had to. I had a game I would play, to see if I could go an entire day without speaking. I would ditch whenever possible even if it was to be alone. My very best friends weren’t at school anymore. One was older then me and had graduated and the other had switched schools for her senior year. I felt very alone. Recently I was talking to a girl on Facebook who was a sophomore when I was a senior and she was saying how my aloofness and my sporadic attendance made me more interesting. Whatever that means. And that attitude in me really is what lead me into the dark Gothic lifestyle I had up until the day I met my husband.     


As a senior I was unhappy for different reasons. Maybe because my boyfriend I had been dating my junior year had left for collage. He had graduated a year before me and then I found out mid year he was cheating on me. Then by the end of my senior year the new boy I was dating (and had been dating off and on in between other boyfriends throughout school since we were in grade school) left for the military and broke it off for good. That was a really hard blow and still at times I wonder what would have happened had he made a different choice. 


Within my own click as a sophomore and junior I was not a happy person I remember always trying to stay a step ahead. Trying to make everyone happy whatever the cost to myself. Looking back I feel so bad for my teenage self and when I see some of the people I was trying so hard to please on Facebook it actually makes me sick. I still look and watch but I don’t know why. I wonder if they know how they impacted my life? 


Then I look at some of the people that I myself wasn’t that nice to in high school. People I know at the time were just trying to please me and I would dismiss them. And they request to be my Facebook friend. I wonder why? Do they look at me with the same contempt I look at the people I was trying to please? There is this one guy who in school I wouldn’t give the time of day to who after requesting my friendship on Facebook started IMing me. He is very nice and is a firefighter and has a lovely family. He told me jokingly (I’m not sure why) that in school for two years he had a crush on me and would follow me around and I barely spoke to him even though we had two classes together. OMH I felt so bad. I said I was sorry but he joked how that was almost twenty years ago. I wonder if that is what he wanted/needed to hear from me or is it true he just brought it up to be funny? 


I wonder if some of my weight issues have to do with some of my high school years? I know ever since I joined Facebook I have been struggling with food. I have been saying for weeks I should just delete the damn account but I don’t. I don’t know but I feel a little bit better getting all that out of my head.        

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Alana Jo
    Dec 14, 2008 @ 17:30:03

    ((((HUGS))) I have a facebook acct, but rarely use it. Im more of a myspace kinda gal. I totally understand what your saying, Ive felt like deleting mine several times.


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