The red pill? Or do I want the blue?

I sometimes feel like I am living another life, one I didn’t start out to live. A life I always wanted. While I love my life, my husband, my children my mind is almost never still. That is the problem living in a place where I grew up.

 Living far away from here I could be the mother, the wife, the friend I wanted to be at that moment. Being here I go places or see things that bring little snippets of a former life. Not a happier life just a different life. Mostly a child’s life, an angst teenager’s life, woman who is not yet a woman’s life.  

It is almost like when I remember myself in a certain situation or replay a time in my life it brings those feelings to the surface. Being far away, I never had to think about that girl, her life, her problems or even her highs.   I don’t necessarily miss that life, I think that may be the problem I don’t know why it makes me sad or tear up. And even if I did miss it I am a different person. That is the tricky thing about life and time you can never go into the past no matter what the reason is. 

I think it may scare me a little to think about the path I have chosen and what would be if I had chosen differently. It makes me hold my family a little tighter each night.  I guess I don’t think about it a lot but I guess it is true. I make choices everyday that affect my future. And I don’t know what the hell I am doing, I never have.

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. rita
    Jan 16, 2008 @ 15:14:33

    Not sure if you’re taking a survey or not but the picture of your page is freaking me out!


  2. lucy
    Jan 17, 2008 @ 20:20:32

    Rita made me laugh! That picture was kinda intense!


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