I am not looking for sympathy I just need to get this out.
I feel like I am failing; at my life, my kids, everything I touch.
I love my children and I have always wanted to be a stay at home mother. My children are four and two years old. Up until now I think I have been doing an ok job. Before we moved I had normal everyday stresses but almost everyday we did something for the kids; home art projects, helping me cook, playgroups, community center classes, the park, MOMS Club tours etc. So what I am saying is I would have my bad mommy moments like everyone but I offset it with lots of good mommy moments.
Well since we have moved back east and living with my dad and getting our house sold things have gone just crazy and the kids right along with it. Because I am worried about money I am working more hours everyday. Yes those hours are at home but they are on the phone during business hours so the kids MUST be quiet and keep busy. I did this job out west but I was able to call back east so I worked before the kids got up and it never really interfered with our time together, not the case here. To send them to daycare during those hours wouldn’t make sense because it would cost all that I make.
For some reason the children have chosen this time in our lives to just become out of hand. If they were awake when I was working for some reason they use to play quietly or watch TV when I worked but not the case now. All they do is scream and fight and interrupt me every other call. This making my four hour job an all day process and everyone is in tears. Plus everything else gets neglected like housework, grocery shopping, laundry…… and I feel even more out of control because nothing in the house is getting done.
My oh so wise father (who we live with and is retired) says I just need to spank them, while I am not a “no spanking” Nazi, spanking just doesn’t work with my kids and just makes everyone feel bad. **Again if you spank your children I don’t think one way other the other because only the parents know what is best and what works for their child.** But anyway I try setting out activities or putting on a movie but really they just want me to give them attention and I can’t, I have to get work done adding to my guilt. I put them in time out, but really that is not working either.
I feel like all I do is scream at them and have a nasty look on my face constantly and I just hate myself. Then when I finally get done working I am so annoyed and frustrated I am on edge and still not able to give my children the kind love and attention they DESERVE from their mother. I wish I could find a MOMS Club here but there isn’t one on my area and all my friends who have children live at least an hour away. I wish I could just quite working and just focus on them like I use to do out west. I wish I was a better mother with longer patience and a better woman to be able to handle these tiny problems instead of becoming the mess that types this.
I know or at least hope things will get better once we move into our own house (We go on Friday to look over the contract; it is being built and won’t be ready for 6 or 7 months). We will join or start a MOMS Club in our new neighborhood, make friends and start getting back to normal and everything will calm down. We will also be more under control with money instead of the uncertain, unstable situation we are in currently. But that seems so long off and I don’t know if I can take this way of life that long. I feel like I am failing my children, myself and everyone around me. I love them so much but I just don’t know how to break this cycle.