Are you a drug addict? I am……

I wrote this one year ago today and it is still holds true. I have not made any progress from when I wrote this and that makes me sad. Sad that I am just as unhealthy as I have been in the past, that I can not complete any of my short (or long term) goals I made for myself and that food has been such a huge (no pun intended) factor in my life.      I really believe food is like a drug. I am an addict. I struggle with my addiction every minute of everyday. When I deprive my body of the drug it loves it rebels. I become moody, bitchy and an all around unhappy person to be around. When I do give in and allow myself the freedom to have some of the food I love, like a drug addict I can not control myself. After I take in my drug I become, happy almost high. I become a pleasant person. But then I crash and everyone including myself must walk on eggshells as not to trigger the volatile person that lives in my body.Why does everything revolve around food? We’re
Happy=eat
sad=eat
milestone=eat
depressed=eat
someone farts=eat

 

 

I have always believed more then anything else children need consistency. I had hoped that when my children look at me they would know just what to expect; love, compassion, caring. I think what I have given them is a mother who yes they can expect what will happen; mom cries, mom yells, sometimes she is happy but sometimes she is out of control. I do NOT want to be that mother.

When I start one of my uncontrollable crying fits, my three year old reacts quickly. Instantly he is at my side, comforting me. He tells me everything will be ok and will help me. I do not think he or anyone else can help me. That very scene should be enough for me to help myself yet I continue to self destruct.

why am I defined by food? I am teaching my children food is the answer to everything.

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. onehotmessincrocs
    Nov 03, 2008 @ 12:54:52

    I know what it’s like to be comforted by children. It makes you feel very small, unnecessary, and weak in their eyes.
    I also know what it’s like to just say,”Enough already, Self, get it together, you are being unfair!”
    I have to tell myself that a hundred times a day. It is a choice, just a really hard one, and I know how easy it is just to stay in the depression…it’s so much more rewarding on the other side though!!!

    Reply

  2. drugtreatmentpalmbeach
    Apr 14, 2009 @ 14:47:41

    Have you thought of getting help? There are many, many facilities that can help you! I can direct you in picking the one that is right for you. THERE IS HELP, if you want it and are ready!

    Reply

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