Today is mother’s day and it is the first one I have spent with my mom in five years. It was very nice. As I watch my kids sleep tonight after a long day with family, I think about how lucky I am. I look at the two painted tiles I got today from them (I get one from each every year) I think about the four years we tried unsuccessfully to conceive a child. The four years I cried every month when my period came and my body refused to do what it was designed to do. Infertility is a silent burden to carry for a couple. You are young and newly married, most everyone takes it upon themselves to ask “when are you going to have a baby” or advise on the best way to conceive a baby. My favorite one was just relax and it will happen when the time is right. That very statement sends me into cold sweats even now. The truth is medically as a couple we were not going to get pregnant. Our chances were literally one in a million and before my surgery even if we beat the odds and conceived my body knew it could not carry a baby to term and naturally abort the baby. So relaxing was not going to do the trick but I would smile and nod not willing to give a stranger my medical profile but inside be screaming “why are you saying this to me?” In the four years it seemed like just everyone was getting pregnant, everyone but me. It was the very worst time in my life. I feel so very sorry of the one in five married couples in
America who are silently suffering today. The one in five women who cried today asking why can’t I have a baby, why won’t my body do what it was made to do. Don’t misunderstand I am so happy to now be a mother, but I very much remember the women I was. It was the most desperate feeling I had ever felt. Now I no longer feel that desperation, I have my two children (with the help of medical science) that feeling is replaced with love and hope and at times frustration that comes with being a mother. But mostly the feeling of completion. The completion that all my life I have needed and knew they would bring me. I know we could have adopted and been very happy but I am so thankful I got to carry my children in my womb. Those two pregnancies were not only the two most precious experiences of my life but also something that can never been taken from me and like nothing I could ever describe. Would we have adopted had my surgery not been successful or the treatments that followed failed? Yes and we would have loved those children unconditionally but that was not what was meant to be. This is the life we were to have and these are the children we were destine to raise. Without all our fertility problems, set backs and bumps along the way we would not be the family we are today. I am the luckiest women in the world.
~ Hickerson. I am so happy to have spent today with my own mother and to see her loving my kids like only a grandmother can do.